kitty murderbot

once bitten, forever smitten

Posts tagged rape culture

744 notes

What Happens After Men Get Raped in America [TW: Rape, Sexual Assault, Rape Culture, Rape Enablism, Rape Apologism, Victim Blaming, Victim Shaming, Graphic Content]

thepoliticalfreakshow:

The following story features interviews and material that address sexual violence and its effect on victims.

It’s highly likely that you know a man who has endured sexual violence. But you probably don’t know it yet, and might never know. 

One in 6 American men will encounter sexual abuse at some point in their lives. According toMaleSurvivor, a nonprofit that helps male survivors of sexual assault heal, after a man is raped, he doesn’t tell anyone for, on average, 20 years. When he finally does, his courage is often met with derision, confusion, dismissal and even disbelief.

That makes it all the more important for people to understand how they can support of male survivors, if and when they decide to share their story.

When men share their stories of enduring sexual violence and rape, they are likely to hear remarks such as, “That can’t happen to a man.” These reactions, often rooted in ignorance rather than malice, contribute to doubt, shame, revictimization and depression. They often impede the survivor from seeking the much-needed professional help integral to the healing process.

In order to truly understand how to be supportive, one should search no further than the voices of men who’ve endured such painful, dehumanizing experiences.

Mic spoke with male survivors of sexual assault to solicit their recommendations for how friends and family members of victims can be supportive allies in the healing process. Their stories are multidimensional. They include assaults perpetrated by people from all walks of life, including men, women, strangers, family members, priests, friends and teachers. Some were assaulted as children, others as adults. They are sharing their stories in order to create a more compassionate and understanding climate for male survivors of sexual violence.

image

Image Credit: Associated Press

Believing without blaming.

It’s crucial to recognize that many of the things commonly said to male sexual assault survivors are things that we should probably never say.

Charlie, 66, from Boston, said victim blaming, accidental or otherwise, commonly crops up for male survivors.

"Were you drunk? Were you on drugs? Were you flirting with her the night before?" are some of the irrelevant questions that may shift the accountability away from the perpetrator. Expressing disbelief may be an act of sympathy, but this common reaction makes disclosure particularly difficult for survivors. It can even belittle what they’ve experienced.

Jeff, 51, from Indiana, told Mic via email that some people have refused to believe what happened and respond with a blunt: “No you weren’t.” Jeff was told that the priestwho sexually assaulted him “would never do that. He’s a good man, and a priest too.”

In some cases, the perpetrator is not someone who you would expect. It could even be someone you respect, which could make it difficult to listen to the survivor’s account of what happened. 

Don’t question the victim’s sexuality.

Some men get questions about their sexuality. Gregg, 50, from Michigan, said he’s been asked about his sexual orientation, asked whether the perpetrator was a woman or a man and if his experience with sexual violence makes him attracted to both sexes. These questions are all irrelevant. A man’s sexual orientation does not invite assault, nor does the assault alter his sexual orientation.  

And for the men who were assaulted by women, some of them are told that they should be grateful. Jarrod, 47, from Oklahoma, said guys often respond, “Man, I wish that I had an older woman to teach me about sex when I was that age.” But the “hot for teacher” trope, entrenched in pop culture through references as Van Halen’s hit “Hot for Teacher,” inaccurately regards the incident as “sex” when it indeed was rape, ignoring the emotional trauma that often results from an adult woman taking advantage of an adolescent male.

Throw out stereotypes.

Perhaps one of the most troubling reactions, especially within broader conversations about a culture that often falters on issues of sexual violence, is when some survivors are told that men can’t be raped, or that sexual assault is a “woman’s issue.”

Chris Anderson, executive director for MaleSurvivor, told Mic via email that many responses to his story of survival have included statements like “Stop trying to make this about you,” and “A real man would have defended himself.” But these reactions only work to ensure that rape of men remains a silent epidemic, preventing many survivors from being comfortable enough to disclose what happened to them.

While many common reactions to male sexual assault survivors seem like appropriate responses to a devastating revelation, many of them are, instead, counterproductive.

Let him tell you his way.

Byron, 56, from Florida, said that just because he’s comfortable telling that story does not mean he’s comfortable answering a lot of questions about it.

"I’m comfortable telling people what I’m prepared to disclose, but not to relive the details of the experience," he said. When the person is ready to tell you, Byron said, the details will emerge.

Even prematurely affixing labels to men who share their stories isn’t the best idea, according to some survivors.

Peter Pollard, director of communications and professional relations for 1in6, an organization supporting male sexual violence survivors, said via email that it’s important to avoid labels, even if they seem validating.

"Many men may not be ready to identify as a ‘victim,’ a ‘survivor,’ or someone who has experienced trauma," Pollard said, adding that it’s best to let the person define their experience and their story in the way that they feel most comfortable.

Emphasizing active listening and empathy.

Even though it’s important to allow survivors to tell their experience in a way that works best for them, hearing it can put the listener in a potentially powerful position to help them on the path to recovery.

"Believing someone validates the pain they are carrying, and lets them know they are not alone," Anderson said, a sentiment echoed by other survivors who spoke with Mic.

Through active listening, survivors are positioned to feel the compassion and empathy that they desire and very much need from supportive friends and family members.

Ed, 38, from North Carolina, said one of the most positive responses he ever heard was simply, “I can’t understand what you are going through, because I never have, but I will be there and support you as you go through.” But, to be clear, another survivor added that even if you actually have experienced something similar, everybody’s story is different and it’s impossible to understand exactly what the survivor went through.

While actively listening and being compassionate is an exercise of empathy, it’s helpful to provide survivors with the resources and information to seek professional help. No one should force a survivor to seek treatment, however, as everyone’s pathway to recovery is unique and should be tailored to their individual needs.

So if a male survivor approaches you with their story, listen to him. Don’t grill him, don’t blame him and definitely don’t berate him. Offer your support only if you are genuinely prepared to be an active part of what will be a difficult, uphill healing process.

Hopefully, with the care and understanding of people in their support system, he will come to recognize that what happened to him was not his fault, that he’s not alone and that there is hope for recovery.

If you or someone you know is a survivor of sexual assault and is male-identified, below are resources for referral.

MaleSurvivor Discussion Forum

MaleSurvivor “Seeds” of Hope document

1in6 Finding Help

RAINN Local Crisis Centers

Source: Jack Fischl for Mic

(via misandry-mermaid)

Filed under rape sexual assault male rape rape culture men

1,598 notes

Sure, women have to worry about being raped and shit, but for men it’s like, our REPUTATIONS, you know?

Actual quote from this creepy shit talking to my roommate (via calverv)

Maybe they wouldn’t have to worry about their so called “good reputation” if they weren’t human pieces of shit?

I bet he’s a self proclaimed “nice guy”

(via the-sunflower-in-the-rain)

(Source: nettles-coterie, via misandry-mermaid)

Filed under rape culture rape apologist sigh feminism

0 notes

Former Marine Charged With Murdering Woman Who Wouldn't Date Him

"Shit like this is why women would rather make up an elaborate lie involving a fake phone number or a fake husband who knows karate than simply tell a man ‘no.’"

Wonder how long it will take for some asshole to pipe up that this wouldn’t have happened if the woman would have just given him a chance.

Filed under violence murder misogyny Jezebel rape culture feminism

2,790 notes

satan-doll:

TW Rape
A collection of just SOME of the hateful comments left on a video report of the #jadapose rape case. For any one who thinks rape apology, victim blaming and rapid victim mistrust aren’t still thriving within our society. I should mention there were also A tonne of people speaking up for and defending Jada, however, there shouldn’t be a need to defend a victim from rape apologists, because that mentality should NOT exist. 

SO, everyone is awful

(via fucknosexistcostumes)

Filed under rape rape culture I know they're YouTube comments but STILL I hate people I just hate everybody victim blaming patriarchy feminism

380 notes

You don't owe anyone a platform

malcolmjamalwarlock:

annekewrites:

realsocialskills:

Two basic facts about the internet:

  1. Unmoderated comment forums are terrible. They get overrun with trolls, low quality content, and off topic remarks.
  2. If you moderate a comment forum, angry people will argue with you and accuse you of censorship

I’ve had bosses at SEVERAL publications tell me that moderating comments is impossible because it reduces traffic. But no one has ever shown me numbers proving that nugget of conventional wisdom to be true. (Also, is it worth it to sacrifice your employees’ mental health, not to mention the effectiveness of your message, for a marginal uptick in page views?) I can think of several blogs with tightly moderated comments—or no comments at all—that aren’t just staying afloat, they’re thriving. Maybe because the user experience, for both writer and reader, ISN’T A FUCKING GARBAGE HELLSCAPE.

This. When there’s a thread on, say, Jezebel, where someone makes a burner account and then just replies to everybody’s comment with graphic rape GIFs, I’m really glad they disappear almost as soon as they’re posted.

People are trash.

Filed under rape culture forums internet comments moderators censorship rape

271,699 notes

1. Because a woman brought into this world will inevitably be given pepper spray “just in case.”

2. Because by sixteen, a young girl knows how to avoid being sexually assaulted, while a boy of the same age does not fear sexual assault in the slightest.

3. Because a girl who mocks men is a bitch, and a boy who mocks women is joking.

4. Because a girl who has sex is a slut, and a boy who has sex is a man.

5. Because in a murder, the killer is at fault, but the blame of rape is often put on the victim.

6. Because we teach girls how not to get raped instead of teaching anyone simply not to rape.

7. Because a woman should put more clothes on if her outfit makes a man uncomfortable, because his self control is her responsibility.

8. Because feminists just need to chill out.

9. Because a 22 year old sex-obsessed virgin can murder 7 people, and the problem is that someone should’ve just slept with him.

10. Because not all men are predators, but yes, all women are prey.

There’s a fucking womanifesto for you.

(via floralfilm)

(via vile-and-cheap)

Filed under so FUCK YOU rape rape culture misogyny and again if you missed it FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

15,330 notes

consider the bank.

gyzym:

You know, a few months ago this dude friend of mine showed up to hang out with me all dejected. Over a couple of drinks he explained his long face — earlier that night, he’d been walking down the street behind this really cute girl, and when she looked back at him over her shoulder, he thought it was in interest and smiled at her. Now, this guy is tall and skinny, can most commonly be found in glasses and t-shirts scrawled across with math jokes, is kind to animals, considers himself a feminist. What he doesn’t consider himself is threatening, so he was surprised, confused, and even hurt by what happened next: the girl in front of him responding to his called greeting of, “Nice skirt,” by taking off down the darkened street in a dead run. 

"Yeah," I said, "she probably thought you were going to rape her." 

"But that’s not fair,” he said. “I’m a good person; I’d never rape anyone! How could she think that? She doesn’t even know me.” 

Out here in the wilds of the internet, I often find myself making arguments about shit like feminism and rape culture unilaterally. For one thing, there’s so much (like, so much) out there arguing unilaterally against this shit that I feel it’s necessary; for another thing, ‘round these parts there’s a lot of people jumping to hostility when it’s painfully clear they don’t have a handle on all the facts. But I’m more lenient with the people in my real life, especially dudes like the one mentioned above. I’m willing to extend to them a patience that I wouldn’t with strangers on the internet, because they matter to me, and it matters to me that they understand. So when my friend sat there that night, whining over his beer and responding to my attempted explanations with, “But I’d love it if a girl smiled at me on the street, or even catcalled at me! Fuck, even if a dude did it, I’d be flattered,” I decided to spend some time thinking about how to clear things up for him. It took awhile, but I finally came up with a metaphor to get the job done:

Consider the bank. 

Read More

(via supremeruleroftheinternet)

Filed under rape culture rape feminism harassment catcalling consider the bank

38,441 notes

5 Things More Likely To Happen To You Than Being Falsely Accused Of Rape

death-list-five:

pandoradeloeste:

casey-lawrence:

brutereason:

A man is 631 times more likely to become an NFL player than to be falsely accused of rape.

"We end on a serious note. Because 1 in 33 men will be raped in his lifetime, men are 82,000x more likely to be raped than falsely accused of rape. It seems many of us would do well to pay more attention to how rape culture affects us all than be paranoid about false accusers.”

that last paragraph

Holy shit. 

(via professor-sweetpea)

Filed under rape culture

109,109 notes

Or when you openly express doubt of victims, when you declare the problems of a marginalized group to not be real problems, when you dismiss or belittle them, when you hand-wave and pretend like victims of discrimination or assault or harassment are exaggerating, when you behave as though you believe people’s problems are some kind of a mass hallucination because you’ve never experienced them personally… at least one woman (or any person, possibly) you know and love has silently decided she cannot trust you. 

Or when you openly express doubt of victims, when you declare the problems of a marginalized group to not be real problems, when you dismiss or belittle them, when you hand-wave and pretend like victims of discrimination or assault or harassment are exaggerating, when you behave as though you believe people’s problems are some kind of a mass hallucination because you’ve never experienced them personally… at least one woman (or any person, possibly) you know and love has silently decided she cannot trust you. 

Filed under feminism rape culture victim blaming Twitter Steph Guthrie truth preach

75,612 notes

Two weeks ago a man in France was arrested for raping his daughter. She’d gone to her school counselor and then the police, but they needed “hard evidence.” So, she videotaped her next assault. Her father was eventually arrested. His attorney explained, “There was a period when he was unemployed and in the middle of a divorce. He insists that these acts did not stretch back further than three or four months. His daughter says longer. But everyone should be very careful in what they say.” Because, really, even despite her seeking help, her testimony, her bravery in setting up a webcam to film her father raping her, you really can’t believe what the girl says, can you?

Everyone “knows” this. Even children.

Three years ago, in fly-on-the-wall fashion of parent drivers everywhere, I listened while a 14-year-old girl in the back seat of my car described how angry she was that her parents had stopped allowing her to walk home alone just because a girl in her neighborhood “claimed she was raped.” When I asked her if there was any reason to think the girl’s story was not true, she said, “Girls lie about rape all the time.” She didn’t know the person, she just assumed she was lying…

No one says, “You can’t trust women,” but distrust them we do. College students surveyed revealed that they think up to 50% of their female peers lie when they accuse someone of rape, despite wide-scale evidence and multi-country studies that show the incident of false rape reports to be in the 2%-8% range, pretty much the same as false claims for other crimes. As late as 2003, people jokingly (wink, wink) referred to Philadelphia’s sex crimes unit as “the lying bitch unit.” If an 11-year-old girl told an adult that her father took out a Craigslist ad to find someone to beat and rape her while he watched, as recently actually occurred, what do you think the response would be? Would she need to provide a videotape after the fact?

It goes way beyond sexual assault as well. That’s just the most likely and obvious demonstration of “women are born to lie” myths. Women’s credibility is questioned in the workplace, in courts, by law enforcement, in doctors’ offices, and in our political system. People don’t trust women to be bosses, or pilots, or employees. Pakistan’s controversial Hudood Ordinance still requires a female rape victim to procure four male witnesses to her rape or risk prosecution for adultery. In August, a survey of managers in the United States revealed that they overwhelmingly distrust women who request flextime. It’s notable, of course, that women are trusted to be mothers—the largest pool of undervalued, unpaid, economically crucial labor.

Soraya Chemaly, How We Teach Our Kids That Women Are Liars  (via seebster)

(Source: sorayachemaly, via vile-and-cheap)

Filed under rape rape culture feminism women